Okay, let me just say that some people might find this triggering or offensive because I'm probably going to go on to a hella personal rant. This also explains why I haven't been on deviantArt as much as I'd like to be.
Recently, I've been feeling sort of depressed. I mean, I've had actual depression before so I know what it's like. What is going on right now isn't too bad, it's probably just a spell of nostalgia coming back to hurt me. Over the past few months, I have been having a lot of difficulty trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life.
I don't have the best self-esteem, so I'm kind of restrained by this. I'm just confused about everything that is happening.
Right now, I think the best way to describe it is that I'm unhappy with the body I'm living in. I'm just confused about who I am now,
sort of. I'm biologically female, and for those who don't know, genderfluid. I tried to come out to my family, but they sort of made it a joke. Along with this, I keep having spells for maybe entire weeks at a time where I feel like one sex, but not the other. It's just frustrating because I start to think that maybe I'm trans or maybe I'm cis. Continuing, I'm thinking I might be asexual, though I can't tell for sure if anything is true.
In about a week, I'm turning fourteen. I don't really believe it, I feel like I should be seventeen or eighteen. I just feel sort of alone, even though I have people all around me.
I'm really excited for my future. I can't wait to see where life takes me, and there are so many things I want to see and do. I want to be able to go out driving in my own car; my cousin recently got her license. I want to share an apartment with my platonic soul mate, and I want to adopt an old or disabled cat. I want to have the same sense of love and affection that I did over the summer. I want to get a second piercing in my ears. I want to get a job at a diner in my town, with all the vintage decorations and the old seats. I want to make my own money, and have my own independence. I want to try wine, just once. I want to be able to buy that keyboard I've wanted for months, there is only so much I can do on a piano that's out of tune. I want to attend a nice college, and learn about film production. I want to be so much more than I am now; I want to be so much more than I doubt I can ever be. I'm okay with being an average person, as long as I'm able to get something out of life, and I have people I care about.
I can't even go out running, like usual, because it's "too cold," or "I don't really feel like it." I'm just sitting on the couch and drinking tea, I'm not doing anything with my life, and it's frustrating. I don't have the motivation to really do anything
, and I'm just so tired all the time for no reason.
I'm not suicidal, but if I were to be diagnosed with a terminal illness or guarantee of death within the next few months, I wouldn't complain too much. It would be a shame to lose my family and friends, but I suppose it would be more peaceful in a sense. That probably sounds bad, but I promise that I have no intentions of killing or harming myself.
I just want to be back to how I was back in March, deciding to take a leap of faith, and get my hair cut quite short. Or back in February when I would try to stay outdoors for hours, but having to drop this idea with the freezing temperatures. Or back in January, when I was watching MH for the first time, and was just dipping my toes into something new. Or back in December, with the cute sweaters and the better grasp of my gender. Or back in November when I finally started to make an attempt to get over what happened over the summer. Or back in October when I first started looking into Creepypasta, and had such a curious innocence about it. Or back to September when I would spend so much time trying to figure out how to play chords on the ukulele. Or back to August with the trip to Disney World. Or July with the selfless love and innocence that all of my friends and I had. Or June with the twenty-eighth. Or just last May when I went through a short hipster phase.
This sounds overly dramatic for someone at my age, and I should probably apologize.
I kind of just want to disappear, and come back when everything is fine.